Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Time for evil
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.