Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
You Might Also Like
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??