Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

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if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy


The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!


The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.


First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.


I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys



Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out.

Him: Babe don’t be silly.


Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?


Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.


if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that


i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure