Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
fly smarter, not harder
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows