Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.