Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

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