Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Always the camel, never the toe.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.