Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.