@sbrooks13

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

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@WarrenHolstein

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

@thispartyislame

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

@ohen39

Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.

@theroyaltramp

I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.

@SondraDeeMe

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

@Gooooats

*standing by the turntables at the club*

Her: are you the dj?

Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station

@LipstickSpice

I’m getting married!

Well, I have a new boyfriend!

Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!

FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.