waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.