FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.
“please human with me” – bear
I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
*standing by the turntables at the club*
Her: are you the dj?
Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m getting married!
Well, I have a new boyfriend!
Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!
FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.