Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
the short answer to this question
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi