@sbrooks13

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

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@GoodZiIIa

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

@markedly

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

@Ellierocks2013

are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?

@peteec

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

@envydatropic

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

@dogsrverycool

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

@tree_bro

Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl

@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

@TheAndrewNadeau

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

@weezeebee

If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.