Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Okay
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Before & after 😅
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.