Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I didn’t realize that was an option
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread