Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
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This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be