Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Something Saturday.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?