Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
You Might Also Like
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
bad news gang
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic