Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!