Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.