Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”