Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.