Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy mother’s day❤️

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read