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A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My blood type is coffee.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that