Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Snack for election night!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid