You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
out-housing market appears to be strong
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT