Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.