Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Florida man

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

operators are standing by to ignore your call

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

We have a winner.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.