Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”