@thebeckyard

Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.

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@NotARatsAss

I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

@thatcarlygirl

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

@DanMentos

“I’ve got cat-like T-Rexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Tyrannosaurus pounces on you*

@GarreTheFerret

Accidentally swallowed some food coloring. I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside

@NotJPo

Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.

@FuckabillyRex

I made too much macaroni in a too small pot and I feel like that’s exactly what I look like in the t-shirts that used to fit me.

@dsmitty62

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

@harikondabolu

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

@jtswhipped

Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.