First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
scenes of unspeakable carnage
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My current situation
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious