Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.