Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Erm…
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on