Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
huge if true: the moon
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out