Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Every work meeting this week

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed