Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”