Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?


Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”


I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂


MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.


“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone


You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket


ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.


army general: we were defeated

me: [confused, looking down] what…whats inside ur boots then


I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”