Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
☠️ ☠️
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present