Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem: