Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

these can’t be my only options

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.