Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

The cashier just checked me out.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?