Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
All set.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
welp
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*