Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
every college guy’s fridge
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT