@AimeeHelene1

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

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@iRowlf

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

@jonnysun

*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO

@RunOldMan

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

@SladeWentworth

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

@Steelers1972

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

@generaldietz

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

@KeetPotato

[restaurant]
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”

@CAshmanActor

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

@WhaJoTalkinBout

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them