@drinkcherrycoke: So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you've hit,i will be removing mine

@daemonic3: [westworld] robot: sorry human, but us robots are taking over now me: *holds up a CAPTCHA* robot: fuck

@jctwritesstuff: Her: Can you babysit? Me: Uh, what do I do? H: Play games & stuff. M: Like drinking games? H: He's 2. M: H: M: So like no hard liquor or...?

@AHundredElbows: [at pet store] "This tortoise's shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?" "No, it happens. It's just a reptile dysfunction."

@SteveSuckington: "What should we call ourselves?" How about 22 pilots? "Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots" 21 pilots? "Omg"