All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them