Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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fly smarter, not harder
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably