@AimeeHelene1

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

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@Dr_awfulpants

Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?

@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

@DeepDarkFear

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

@daemonic3

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

@Chhapiness

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

@rockymomax

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

@lejessica

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.