@AimeeHelene1
@AmishPornStar1
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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@AmishPornStar1
@iRowlf
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
@jonnysun
*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
@RunOldMan
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
@SladeWentworth
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
@Steelers1972
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
@generaldietz
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
@KeetPotato
[restaurant]
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
@CAshmanActor
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
@WhaJoTalkinBout
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them