Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Stop it! 😂