Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door