Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up against my better judgement again

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

Hot Hot Hot

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

*serious situation*

My brain:

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle