Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

absolutely not

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

ㅤ

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

my proudest tweet

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

You’re not my real can

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look