Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

Anarchy

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

The Friday File.