*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants