accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Good morning.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Sing it!
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.