accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”