accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
looks legit
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.