accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
smartest karate player in the world
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …