Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Grew big

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.