Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
you will never know the true number of layers
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?