Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Best spoiler warning ever

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet