Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Well, my evening plans are ruined
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site