*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
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Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Straight people are cancelled
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t