Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!