Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.