*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I hate when that happens.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.