Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.