Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.