Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call: