Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
This dude got his own movie?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?
Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.