Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
welp
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.