Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.