Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
ready to be harvested
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
#catsoftwitter
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.