Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Never forget.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.