Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

why would tinder want me to say this

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Perfect.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir