Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard