Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
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bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
welp
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
boat question
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.